Those Days Epilogue

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Those Days - Epilogue

Epilogue to the true short story by Nathalie Abbing

The story "Those Days" is about the complexity of human communication in the relation with my mother-in-law. This epilogue explains.

A conversation is often not about exchanging information but more about sharing attention. A conversation is also a legitimate reason to sit close to each other, facing each other and openly look each other in the eyes. It’s an unwritten rule that as long as someone is talking, you are allowed to stare, but not to walk away. So, within the concept of a conversation one can give, ask or demand undivided attention. Therefore, the content of what is said is often less important than the listener's undivided attention.

My mother-in-law loved to be the centre of attention but lacked the social skills to entertain or maintain a social life. Especially after the age of sixty-four, when she retired from her office job with the city council, she became quite lonely. When we visited her, my mother-in-law used her words to restrain us from leaving again. By the time we were ready to go home, she always found something important she had to tell us. In that way she was able to keep us with her for a little bit longer.

A good talk is when the conversation goes back and forth, when time is equally divided between those who pay attention to the conversation and with alternating questions and anecdotes in a common ground of interest. Then a good talk can create a euphoric sensation for all engaged, like a huge mental cuddle. But one does need some specific qualities to be able to experience that. An empathic ability and a pronounced curiosity are necessary qualities.

I am sorry to say that my mother-in-law was disabled with a more narcissistic character. But without the self-confidence to make the situation comfortable. In a world where everything revolves around her person, she became increasingly insecure. Feeling that everyone and everything was against her. Strangers in the street, neighbours, would all have their opinion about her. Even if the offer from the folder was not available in the store, it was because of her. So, she argued. She argued with almost everyone she met.

She tried friendships in the past but argued them all away. The benefit of arguing with shop personnel and daughters-in-law; they could not flee. That gave her control over the situation. But like a conversation you do need another person to have an argument with. For an argument one needs to be angry or upset. Then the other one can be angry or upset as well, keeping the situation as is. Or you can confess guilt in advance, trying to avoid an argument. But, with my mother-in- law, no success was ever guaranteed.

Refusing to go into an argument, I tried something else; a smile, a little joke, some sweet words and a cuddle. This startled her. Without a great sense of humour or self-reflection and a dislike for intimacy, the feeling was quite new to her. But it stopped her stage of argumentation, at least for the moment. She would try again later but I wasn't the one to give in.

I wanted to have a good relationship with my husband's mother, whether she wanted to or not. Luckily her resentment diminished. Finally she accepted and maybe even appreciated my jokes, sweet words and cuddles. She could talk to us for hours about the injustice done to her and her arguments with the rest of the world. But with us there was peace.

So when she started a new story the moment we grabbed our coats, we gave her those extra few minutes before saying goodbye with a good hug, “we'll be back soon.”

In memory of my mother-in-law Olga de Kock 1948 - 2017

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