What if…we all had a tail?
What if we all had a tail? No, not a pony tail on your head but a real tail, like the one from a rat. You know, down your back, just above your bum. There where the tail once was remains no more than a little hump. That was when man were not humans yet, and maybe a closer family to the hare. When we still walked on four paws or legs. That’s when we had a tail over there. Very convenient for some extra support. Or to use it as an handy third hand. So you can scratch these unreachable spots - that can be very nice, you understand.
But when people became people to walk on one pair of feet, the tail slowly vanished because it was no longer needed. With only a knob as the memory I can only but dream of the feast. Of the proud tail it once was. Of having an ass like a beast. What if nature had given another choice. What if everything had gone differently, if the tail could not have been missed and we still depend on it.
So, what if we all still had our tail? How would life be right now? What changes would there be if we had the rear end of a cow? What kind of tail would I have? Which tail would I like to wear? Maybe a bald one like a little mouse or a long one with long fair hair. The tail I would love to have Is the one of a big Arabian horse or a long haired Afghan hound. No snake’s tail for me, of course, I like a long one, that can hang low like a veil dragging on the floor. With hair as soft as pure silk golden blond is what I adore. I could put in some hot rollers. For I always wished for nice curls or neatly made little plaits Tight up with coloured ribbons and pearls. But a jeans would no longer fit and my favourite skirt would look like a tent because if we all had a tail, fashion too would be different. Pants with a little hole for your tail to peep through. Skirts with a split and a small flap, when you don’t want your tail in plain view. ’Cause not everyone likes to show it off. Depends on what kind of person you are. You can’t just waggle as you like to any other man like a superstar.
For offensive tail behaviour you can be put in jail by the order of the law. You have to behave if you have a tail. You would be summoned for a course, where you’ll learn proper “tail manners”, to teach your tail how to behave. So no more naughty tail gestures that waggling gives more problems. For example, when your tail caused one’s fall, when you tackle someone down etc. You’ll be accused of “tail brawling” and sentenced to permanently wear a big bell on the end of your tail, thus hindered by the heavy weight. Your tail manners will no longer fail, so from now until forever, everyone can hear you coming and know that you could not behave, that you are tail brawling scum. So maybe it’s better now, can we say, a tail doesn’t fit. Life is complicated enough without a tail to deal with. Still it’s nice to picture it and imagine how the tail would be of Obama, the Queen and Byoncee James Bond, miss America and Gandhi.
Copyright © 2022 Nathalie Abbing